I changed my mind.  I think I will summarize the plot of The Valcourt Heiress and use Catherine Coulter’s writing style as inspiration.  Here goes:

She didn’t want to get married.  Jason of Brennan wasn’t a nice man.  She knew he was awful because of his eyes.  But her mom says she has to marry him.  Her mom’s a witch.  Instead, she decides to run away to London. She’s a playwright.  She sneaks out but hears a man’s voice.  Oh no.

The mighty and brave Garron and his men rescue a boy from villains.  During the scuffle, the boy gets away, hides, and starts vomiting.    The strong Garron calls to the boy that he is safe but the boy won’t come out.  They can’t find him.  Good thing the boy is able to vomit softly.  Praise St. Cuthert’s padded belly.  Garron gives up and continues on to his castle which he recently inherited due to his brother’s death.

Upon arriving at the castle, there is no one to greet them.  Uh oh.  What happened?  They were attacked by the Black Demon.  One of their own betrayed them and let the Black Demon and his men in.  He wanted silver  coins.  What silver coins?  Nobody knew anything about them.  So he killed them.

Slowly Garron’s remaining people, who are weak and starving, come out from hiding.  They are scared. But their master is home and he will save them.  Yippee.

Who’s this boy?  Not a boy, but a girl.  Surprise.  Her name is Merry.  She didn’t come with the master.  She followed them and needs his people to lie to him about her identity.  They do because she asks. They don’t know who she is, but tell Garron she’s the bastard daughter of the priest who was killed in the attack.  They dress her in out-of-fashion but quality clothes left by the former mistress of the castle.  Thank St. Hermione’s scarred knees.

Garron is too smart to believe this lie. She definitely is not starving.  But no time to investigate.  Other matters are more important. Time to get people back to work. Merry has made a great big long list of things to do and things they need. A girl who makes lists?  Wow.  The people are inspired.  Praise be St. Catherine’s bonny face.

Garron and Merry go to another town to buy supplies.   Merry finds a book of healing and buys it.  It’s really necessary since she was studying to be a healer.  Once Merry reads this book she will be a healer.  She’s a healer. Thank St. Cladawr’s bulging eyeballs.

On the way home, Garron and Merry upon leaving an alehouse  They fight off the attackers.  She’s a hero. No, he’s a hero.  They’re both heroes.

Once home, the entire town cheers.  Everyone is happy.  Garron has to leave the castle for a bit.  While he’s gone, someone stops by.  He wants into the castle.  But they don’t let him in because he’s bad.  By St. Albert’s pointed chin, the bad man recognizes Merry, who’s standing on the ramparts, because she has bright red hair. Now she has to tell Garron who she really is.

Merry’s mother is not happy.  Jason of Brennan has been doing her bidding, not very successfully.  She’s a witch who is so beautiful it hurts to look at her.  The white skin.  The golden hair.  Shiny.  She’s not happy Merry got away.  She also wants those silver coins.  Jason wants the coins and to marry Merry.  She devises a plan for Jason to carry out.  He’s not too smart, but maybe he can pull it off.

Who is Merry?  She’s an heiress!  And not just any heiress, she’s the Valcourt Heiress!  She’s not an ugly heiress.  Garron is shocked by both things. He has to return her to the king as soon as possible.  The king will marry her off because Valcourt is very important.  Merry doesn’t want a husband she doesn’t know.  Garron and she should get married.  He says no.  The king gets to choose.

Merry will choose her own husband so drugs Garron’s guard and sneaks into his bedchamber.  She needs to get rid of her virginity.  Garron is in a dream sleep and thinks he’s having sex with another woman, Blanche.  Merry impales herself on him.  It really hurts.  Garron wakes up, startled, but can’t stop since it’s the best sex he’s ever had.  Merry says now they have to get married.

Garron thinks the king will be very upset and kill him.  Merry’s not worried.  They go to court.  Merry’s close to the queen since she was a lady-in-waiting. Merry finds out that Garron has slept with a lot of women.  He’s especially fond of the queen’s ladies.  The queen approves of the marriage.  Don’t worry about the king.  Garron and Merry are engaged.  The night before the wedding.  Oh no.  Merry’s kidnapped.  Who would do such a thing?

Garron felt that Merry was in trouble and rushes to her aid.  She’s gone. Fortunately, someone saw the kidnappers, followed them for a while until spotted, and then returns with news.  It’s a dark and stormy night.  Thunder.  Lots of lightning.  It’s wet.

Garron easily discovers where Merry’s kept, but it’s a maze.  Can’t find Merry.  Finds her mother.  She’s a witch.  A really bad one. She touches Garron.  He’s drugged.  Wanders out of the castle in a drugged state.  Everyone’s worried.  What to do, what to do? Praise St. Agnes crooked fingers.

And it continues…

I won’t give away the rest of the plot since there’s a twist.  Perhaps it’s surprising, if you care.  All I cared about was as each page was turned, I was closer to the end.

Was my summary torturous for you to read?  Because that’s The Valcourt Heiress in a nutshell.  But if you’re willing, you too can enjoy over 300 pages of reading torture by picking up a shiny copy of The Valcourt Heiress from your local library.